年下の友人に恋をした

年下の友人に恋をした①

僕、室生犀星は、友人で文学仲間の
芥川龍之介君に恋をした。                                                                                                                          
                                                                                                                          
それは、夕飯後の妻のとみ子の指摘からだった。                                                                                                                          
                                                                                                                          
「犀星さんは芥川さんに恋をしているのね」                                                                                                                          
                                                                                                                          
驚いて、危うく湯飲みを落とすところだった。                                                                                                                          
                                                                                                                          
「い、いきなり、何を言い出すんだい」                                                                                                                        
                                                                                                                        
慌てる僕を見てとみ子は                                                                                                         くすくす笑った。                                                                                                                        
                                                                                                                        
「ー秋月夜、                                                                                                                      
わかっていても                                                                                                                      
君に恋こがれー」                                                                                                                    
                                                                                                                    
妻が詠んだ俳句に僕は絶句した。                                                                                                                  
                                                                                                                  
「ー恋慕や                                                                                                                  
消えぬ思いは                                                                                                                  
秋の霞ー」                                                                                                                
                                                                                                                
妻が追加で詠んだ俳句は                                                                                                                
最早、僕の隠しきれない恋慕そのものだった。                                                                                                              
                                                                                                              
とみ子は“妻”だが“文学仲間”でもある。     
                                                                                                     
「ー隠さずに                                                                                                          
真っ直ぐな気持ちは                                                                                                          
律の調べー」                                                                                                          
                                                                                                          
次から次へと僕の心を詠む妻に脱帽だ。                                                                                                        
                                                                                                        
「なんで……」                                                                                                        
                                                                                                        
僕は家族を裏切っているのに……                                                                                                      
                                                                                                      
「ー芽生えた蕾                                                                                                      
やがて実をつけ                                                                                                      
花が咲くー                                                                                                    
                                                                                                  
恋心は隠しきれるものじゃないわ」                                                                                                  
                                                                                                  
そう言い切った妻に僕は                                                                                                  
返す言葉が見つからなかった。                                                                                                  
                                                                                                  
「今すぐ、芥川君に会いたいと言ったら、どうする？」                                                                                                
                                                                                                
とみ子は優しく微笑んで言った。                                                                                                
                                                                                                
「犀星さんがそうしたいなら会いに行くといいわ。                                                                                              
                                                                                              
ー会いたいと                                                                                              
願う心の痛みと                                                                                              
葛藤の狭間でー」                                                                                            
                                                                                            
とみ子は優しくて寛容過ぎる。                                                                                            
                                                                                            
「嫉妬心や怒りはないのかい？」                                                                                            
                                                                                            
僕は妻を裏切り、友人に恋慕を抱いている。                                                                                          
                                                                                          
「芽生えた恋心は早々に消せるものではないもの。                                                                                          
                                                                                          
ー恋しいと                                                                                          
叫ぶ心の声は                                                                                          
身に入むー」                                                                                        
                                                                                        
うっ、これは……                                                                                      
                                                                                      
「僕は君という妻がいるのに芥川君に
恋慕している酷い夫だ……」                                                                                    
                                                                                  
自分でもどうかしてると思う。                                                                             
                                                                              
「ー届かぬと                                                                              
わかっていても                                                                              
伝えたいー」                                                                            
                                                                            
「何故、怒らないんだい？                                                                            
                                                                            
明け透けに言ってしまえば、僕は妻である
とみ子以外の人を好きだと言っているんだよ！？」                                                                          
                                                                          
「ー芽生えた恋                                                                        
誰にも止められぬ                                                                          
自身でもー」                                                                      
                                                                      
確かに、僕は芥川君への思いを隠しきれずに、
妻に気付かれてしまった。                                                                      
                                                                      
「君は寛容過ぎるよ……」                                                                      
                                                                      
「ー愛の形は                                                                      
多種多様で                                                                      
色とりどりー                                                                    
                                                                    
誰かを思うことはいけないことではないわ。                                                                    
                                                                    
ただ、私はずっと、犀星さんの一番の味方で理解者よ」                                                                
                                                                
「伝えるも伝えないも犀星さん次第よ」                                                              
                                                              
妻の寛容さに甘え、僕は芥川君に
会いに行くために家を出た。                                                            
                                                            
芥川君の家まではそれほどの距離はないはずなのに                                                            
やたらと長く感じだ。                                                            
                                                            
「芥川君、今、大丈夫かい？」                                                           
                                                          
呼び鈴を鳴らしてから戸を叩くと芥川君が
玄関を開けてくれた。                                                          
                                                          
「犀星君！？                                                            
                                                          
こんな時間にどうしたんだい？」                                                        
                                                        
「伝えたいことがあってね……

少し、出られるかい？」                                                    
                                                    
不思議そうな表情をしつつも芥川君は
僕について来てくれた。                                                    
                                                    
「本当は、伝えない方がいいと思ったんだけど                                                    
自分の心に嘘はつけなくて……                                                    
                                                    
僕は芥川君に恋慕を抱いてる。

君に伝えたかっただけだから、帰ろう。                                                  
                                                  
僕の話を聞いてくれてありがとう」                                                 
                                                
「犀星君、僕は……」                                                
                                                
「いいよ、僕が伝えたかっただけで芥川君からの
返事はいらないよ。                                            
                                            
君が文さんや比呂志君や多加志君、
それから、也寸志君を大切にしていることは
知ってるから……」                                              
                                              
来た道を踵を返して、芥川君と距離をとり、
先に帰宅した。                                        
                                        
「どうだった？」                                        
                                        
とみ子は縁側に座っていた。                                        
                                        
「伝えたよ。だけど、芥川君の返事は
聞かないで帰ってきた」                                      
                                      
「ー燻る恋の火                                      
鎮火の方法は                                      
見つからぬー」                                    
                                    
「やっぱり、とみ子には                                    
僕の心の中を覗かれているようだ……                                  
                                  
次に芥川君に会った時、
どんな顔をすればいいやら……」                                  
                                  
「犀星さんが分かりやすいのよ」                                
                                
その言葉に苦笑するほかなかった。                                
                                
ーー                                
                                
翌日、近くの喫茶店で文学仲間たちと集まった。                                
                                
当然、芥川君もいるわけで昨日の今日で気まずい。                              
                              
頭の中には、昨日のとみ子の句が……                              
                              
【「ー燻る恋の火                                      
鎮火の方法は                                      
見つからぬー】。                              
                              
本当にその通りだ。                            
                            
珈琲カップを両手で持ったまま、適当に相槌を打った。                          
                          
「犀星君」                          
                          
芥川君に呼ばれて顔を上げた。                          
                          
「芥川君……                        
                        
ごめん、今日は帰るね……                        
                        
寛君たちによろしく言っておいてくれ」                        
                        
まだ、談笑や談義を続ける寛君たちを
横目に僕は喫茶店を出た。                      
                      
数時間で随分と冷え込んだらしい。                      
                      
家に向かう足取りが早くなった。                      
                      
「やっぱり、帰ってきたのね。                      
                      
お帰りなさい、犀星さん」                    
                    
とみ子には僕が早く帰ってくることが
わかっていたらしい。                    
                    
「芥川君が笑顔で話かけてくれたけど、                    
まるで、昨日の僕の告白を忘れられたようで
胸が痛かった……」                    
                    
「ー痛みを抱え                    
それでも消えぬ                    
恋の灯火ー」                  
                  
「返事はいらないとは言ったけど、
“なかったこと”にされるのは辛い」                
                
泣きそうになりながら、
とみ子に吐露する自分が情けない……                
                
「ー悲しいと                
思うことさえ                
許されずー」              
              
とみ子は僕の隣に座り              
温かいお茶を渡してくれた。              
              
「とみ子……            
            
君は強くて優しすぎる。            
            
裏切り者の僕に寄り添ってくれるんだね」          
          
「私は犀星さんを裏切り者だなんて思っていないわ。        
        
ー返事待つ        
揺れる心は        
下り月ー」      
      
とみ子は本当に僕の心に寄り添ってくれる。    
    
「僕は欲張りなんだろうね……

とみ子を愛しているのに、
芥川君も愛したいなんて……」    
    
強欲にも程がある……    
    
「ー沈黙さえ    
答えととるならば    
時を待つべしー」  
  
焦らず時を待つ。か……  
  
「そうだね、ありがとう、とみ子」